romantic nihilism and riches
the week
After sending a few exchanges back and forth via instagram dm, I decided to disengage with the idiot who had slid into my inbox and was attempting to convince me that fascism is called for in certain instances. I believe people can change, I honestly do, but there is a level of stupidity that I feel is too taxing to try to change via social media dm, and believing that fascism isn’t all bad happens to be so far below that level one it is barely visible to one gazing into the dark well of human idiocy. I heard a newscaster the other day say something along the lines of, “I should not have to bring out the history books and show you all the evidence as to why fascism is bad. At a certain point I’m just not gonna argue with stupid.”
I have lived in a country with a dictator before and I know that most Americans have no idea what we’re in for.
Clips from films keep running through my head. Captain Von Trapp ripping the nazi flag in half, Indiana Jones punching nazis in the face, those characters from The Boys beating the shit out of that nazi supe at the end of season 2. This loop is providing temporary catharsis in light of everything that is happening. I close my eyes and play it in my brain when the anger grows too hot to bear.
It has been over a week since I’ve worked on my novel and I miss it. After my most recent trip, upon my return I was afflicted with body pain, as has been the trend the past year. Once the pain abated, after an acupuncture session and an edible, my period descended upon me and robbed me of my energy. I found myself crying over how much I missed my Grandma, she passed away over 12 years ago. Memories and current events haunted me as my uterus shed its lining and churned my lower abdomen with a dull pain. Body and heart felt run down and I was unable to motivate myself to do much. Except see a play about two cousins going over their history and family trauma in the aftermath of a funeral. It matched the vibe and I found it more comforting than a sure-to-be unsuccessful attempt at improving the vibe. My friend and I sat at the theatre and leaned on one another’s shoulders. We were in the front row and it felt like we were sitting in on a sacred experience with the characters onstage.
I will admit that I believe I need to give up social media again. It seems I cannot be trusted with it. After the news last week spoke of detention centers, kidnappings, home growns, dictators, disappearances, I found myself scrolling for hours ever day to an ever escalating anxiety that deletes my ability to take any sort of action, both personal or political. So I need to cease use again.
The fact that I see so much of myself in Chelsea from White Lotus1 has me reevaluating my priorities. It is funny that I relate so hard to a girl who dates a retired, severely emotionally unavailable hit man and values the connection she feels with him over her own life. Romantic nihilism. Revering a soul connection with someone so much that you render yourself powerless to look at it with even a grain of objectivity. I’ve been there, and it is intoxicating. It feels so good. It feels unique and thrilling and sacred and nothing can convince you otherwise. It is hard to not value such deep connection over practicalities and reality.
When you have a soul connection with someone, it’s like you can see their true essence, unruined by what the world has done to them. The inner truth of who they are and not the actual behavior they exhibit, full of walls and trauma responses and caution. Some people call it falling in love with potential. When they do something cruel you want to say, “It’s ok! I know this isn’t who you are, I know what your soul looks like, I know how much you hurt, I know who you really are.” Often it is exaggerated pictures of who they’ve shown us in honest moments of intimacy. And maybe it is even true, maybe they are really beautiful, most people are. But it is an incomplete picture. And it doesn’t matter that their souls are pure love if they never let it out. If they trust their masks and walls more than their hearts.
I dreamt about my old lover the other day and it really set me up badly for the day ahead. Would not recommend being haunted, it’s unpleasant and annoying.
The habit of calamity that my mind has unfortunately cultivated this past year, while warranted given the circumstances, has worn out its welcome. Those particular neural pathways are on their way to change. Going to the gym everyday and climbing the stair master until I’m dripping sweat all over the machine, withholding social media, and other little habits of discipline are allowing me to control the kind of discomfort I’m subjected to, whereas last year, it was all out of my control, or so it felt. And constant exposure to discomfort can create strength when led down the right thought paths. I’m listening to a book called The Biggest Bluff by Maria Konnikova and it is really driving home some of these principles. The author is a psychologist who gives herself a year to be tutored by a poker expert and enter the World Series of Poker. It is absolutely fascinating. She speaks on different techniques and methods and they all relate directly to life. The decision making behind playing or folding certain hands, how to discern what to do with the cards that you are randomly dealt, how to interact with the behavior of other players. It’s like a beautiful balance of zen, stoicism, and psychology. I’m not finished yet but can wholeheartedly recommend it.
I was listening to a podcast the other day and the interviewee said that a mentor told him one day, “Can you think of someone who would bail you out of jail in the middle of the night if you called them? I’m talking pick up the phone, drive to you, pay bail money, no matter what you’ve done? If you can think of one person who would do that for you, you’re in a good place, if you can think of two, you’re rich.” I contemplated the question and decided I was richer than the Queen of Sheba. Despite all the bad that overwhelms me sometimes, I have my people. And that is worth more than anything.
spoilers ahead